#1The Monologue
Tesla's stock fell fourteen percent Thursday after the company posted its first negative cash flow in two years, attributing the loss to massive artificial intelligence spending. The company erased two hundred billion dollars in market value in a single afternoon... Tesla says this is all part of the plan, and the AI will explain why later.
Re: CNBC
The House of Representatives passed a defense package this week bundling seventy-three billion dollars in new Pentagon spending with ten billion dollars in new voting restrictions, all in a single bill. Lawmakers praised the efficiency of combining both items... It's always nice when Congress finds common ground, especially on the subject of making things more difficult.
Re: WMAR2 News
New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani confirmed Thursday that New York can't execute the International Criminal Court's arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and urged the federal government to step in instead. The federal government has not responded... which, it turns out, is also how the federal government responds to most other things.
Re: Democracy Now
After Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's July 3rd wedding at Madison Square Garden, a New York artist collected litter from the surrounding sidewalk, encased it in clear acrylic cubes labeled "Pocket Garbage," and sold all fifty for $25 each. Items included cigarette butts, candy wrappers, an ovulation test kit, and a single left AirPod.
On July 7th, two deer crashed through the windows of two separate businesses in the same Peachtree City, Georgia shopping center at the exact same moment — one through an oyster bar's front window, the other through a massage parlor, where it was eventually discovered hiding in the bathroom. Both were safely removed.
Serial Guinness record holder David Rush of Boise, Idaho, reclaimed his title by stacking 195 rolls of toilet paper on his forehead and holding them for the required thirty seconds. He originally set the record at 101 rolls, lost it to a rival who pushed it to 152, and has now taken it back.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/u-s-mint-unveils-series-of-gold-coins-commemorating-presidents-extramarital-affairs/
"Chicago Mayor Credits Huge Drop In Crime To Turning Crime Stats Chart Upside Down" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/chicago-mayor-credits-huge-drop-in-crime-to-turning-crime-stats-chart-upside-down
"Odysseus Finally Returns Home After 20 Years And Oh No! Penelope Is Out Of Baking Powder And Needs Him To Run Out Again Real Quick" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/odysseus-finally-returns-home-after-20-years-and-oh-no-penelope-is-out-of-baking-powder-and-needs-him-to-run-out-again-real-quick
"Gen Z'er Worried He May Have Nailed Job Interview" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/gen-zer-worried-he-may-have-nailed-job-interview
The city of Luverne, Minnesota has erected a 65-foot nutcracker statue named Verne the Patriot, nearly twice the height of the current Guinness World Record holder in Neuhausen, Germany. The town's nutcracker tourism theme was inspired by a local 96-year-old resident who had collected 7,554 individual nutcrackers. Guinness confirmation is pending.
#7The Groaner
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
