#1The Monologue
President Trump declared this week that the United States has complete and total control over the Strait of Hormuz. Iran responded by announcing the strait remains closed, issued a six-point list of conditions for when it might not remain closed, and called Trump's claim inaccurate. So — total control.
Re: CNBC — "Hormuz remains blocked": Iran disputes Trump claims as traffic sinks to near 3-month lows
Twelve state attorneys general filed suit this week to block the proposed $111 billion merger between Paramount and Warner Bros. Discovery. The states say combining the two studios would harm competition. Critics note that combining two studios struggling to find an audience into one studio...is not mathematically how that gets fixed.
Re: Variety — Paramount Agrees to Postpone Warner Bros. Merger Until After Antitrust Trial
MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell lost his primary bid for governor of Minnesota on Tuesday, becoming the third Trump-endorsed gubernatorial candidate to lose this year. A man whose entire brand is built around helping America sleep — keeps putting his campaigns to bed.
Re: NPR — Four takeaways from Tuesday's primaries in six states
Hundreds of moviegoers in Cartagena, Colombia evacuated a screening of Spider-Man: Brand New Day midway through the film after an overwhelming and unidentified odor filled the theater. No suspect has been identified. Police are investigating. The perpetrator remains at large, in more ways than one.
Kyle James Steffen, 39, installed approximately 40 three-inch metal spikes across his front lawn to prevent neighborhood children from riding bikes through his yard on the way to a nearby park. He now faces charges for setting what the law classifies as a deadfall or snare, and up to 180 days in jail and a $1,000 fine. A fence would have run about $300.
Leon Gillespie, 26, of Wales dressed in a full Grim Reaper costume, climbed to the roof of a local hospital, and peered into patient windows. He pleaded guilty to causing a nuisance. The court fined him $270. The hospital offered no comment. The patients were unavailable.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Karoline Leavitt Prepared For Motherhood After Spending Last Two Years Answering Millions Of Stupid Questions' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Mamdani Grocery Stores To Feature Innovative New "Queue Where You Wait For Loaves Of Leavened Flour Products"' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'WNBA Brings In Revered Supreme Court Justice To Help Determine What A Woman Is' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Kamala Harris Issues Dire Warning That SAVE America Act Could Result In America Being Saved' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
An Australian family renovating their home discovered a copy of The Antiquities of Athens, published in 1858, sealed inside their brick fireplace. The volume had been checked out from the Kiama Public Library roughly 150 years ago. At standard overdue rates, the theoretical fine comes to approximately $20,000. The library has not confirmed whether it intends to collect.
#7The Groaner
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
