#1The Monologue
The President of the United States reportedly exited Air Force One inside a catering truck to evade a credible threat, while a decoy plane continued flying with its transponder dark. Air Force One served as a decoy. The catering truck arrived first... making it the only government vehicle in recorded history to beat a schedule.
Re: ABC News
A federal judge blocked an order that would have prevented the U.S. Postal Service from delivering mail ballots, ruling that the post office is — in fact — allowed to deliver mail. The Postal Service has been notified... by mail.
Re: Democracy Now!
For at least the twelfth consecutive year, millions of people shared a post warning that Earth would lose gravity for seven seconds today due to a black hole collision. NASA issued an official denial. The hoax received four million shares. The denial received... fewer.
Re: WION News
A herd of wild capybaras wandered into the chambers of a state legislature in central Brazil and settled calmly among the seats during an active session. They appeared composed and unbothered throughout.
Thieves made off with 210 miniature Mozart statuettes from an anniversary tribute display in Austria, leaving investigators with no leads and the exhibition significantly shorter. The statuettes remain at large.
A gaseous incident of such atmospheric severity occurred during a Colombian screening of Spider-Man: Brand New Day that hundreds of audience members evacuated the building before the film concluded. The cinema was cleared. The film was not at fault.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Overachiever Uses Turn Signal' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Zuckerberg Yacht Didn't Respond To Distress Call As Meta Algorithm Determined There Was No Violation Of Community Standards' — NewsThump, newsthump.com
An avant-garde fashion label called Fecal Matter — that is its legal name — has surged into mainstream visibility, with celebrities including Zendaya and Kylie Jenner photographed in its designs at high-profile events. Industry observers are calling it bold.
#7The Groaner
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
