#1The Monologue
Austria broke its national heat record for the second time in two consecutive days this week. Scientists confirmed this is technically called a trend — and that Austria... is getting very good at it.
Re: Democracy Now Headlines — August 6, 2026
A Michigan Democrat won his Senate primary this week while being vastly outspent by his opponent. He ran on a platform of getting money out of politics — and apparently money agreed... because it left.
Re: Democracy Now Headlines — August 6, 2026
A federal judge dismissed the final January 6th charges against the Oath Keepers this week, noting for the record that he was "pained" by the decision. It is the first time anyone connected to these proceedings... expressed something out loud.
Re: Mueller She Wrote — Headlines for August 6, 2026
Facing the loss of federal grants, researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory launched an OnlyFans page called OnlyMarms to keep their marmot study program alive. The lead researcher assured the public the page is "G-rated" and "not going to sexualize this" — a clarification that now exists in the scientific record.
A bear in Gold Hill, Colorado became trapped inside an unlocked vehicle and repeatedly honked the horn until its owner used a rope to open the door remotely. The bear was unharmed. The car's feelings were not reported.
Michelle Hudson, 36, of Iowa City was arrested July 24th for operating a riding lawn mower while intoxicated. Her driver's license was already suspended following a prior conviction. She was cited for operating under the influence and driving while barred — making this a situation in which neither the vehicle nor the operator was authorized to be on the road.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Due To Depleted Missile Supply, Operation Epic Fury Downgraded To Operation Mildly Aggressive Fury' — Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Truth Social Begins Selling Advanced Access To Trump Posts' — The Onion, theonion.com
'New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceañeras' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Mom Decides To Drop Kids Off For First Day Of School Three Weeks Early' — Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
On July 24th, a six-foot iguana named Titan escaped from a shipping package at a FedEx facility in Memphis, Tennessee. His owner later reported that Titan "came out ready for all the smoke." Employees recaptured him. FedEx's terms of service regarding large reptiles remain, at press time, unrevised.
#7The Groaner
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
