#1The Monologue
President Trump announced fifty percent tariffs on Canadian imports this week, citing unfair trade practices. Canadian officials described themselves as "disappointed" — which is Canada's word for absolutely furious. Nobody has informed them this is working.
Re: Radio Free / Top Headlines
Samsung is relocating its U.S. headquarters from New Jersey to Texas and eliminating seven hundred and thirty-nine American jobs in the process. Not seven hundred and forty. Seven hundred and thirty-nine. The difference mattered to one very specific person.
Re: AI News Today
A federal judge has blocked the proposed one hundred and ten billion dollar merger between Paramount and Warner Bros. Discovery. Legal experts are calling it a victory for consumers, who can now rest easy knowing they will continue to maintain separate accounts on all sixteen streaming services indefinitely, with no realistic hope of finding anything to watch on any of them.
Re: Yahoo News
David Rush of Boise, Idaho reclaimed his Guinness World Record yesterday by balancing 195 rolls of toilet paper on his forehead for thirty consecutive seconds, eclipsing a rival who had stolen the title. It was his 251st Guinness record. Most of them involve objects balanced on his head.
A Lutz, Florida high schooler graduated with a weighted GPA of 11.99 — a state record — after completing more than 20 AP courses and simultaneously earning an associate degree. The school district has since voted to install a GPA ceiling going forward.
A Labrador retriever named Tokyo had to be airlifted off Ben Nevis — the UK's highest mountain — after consuming marijuana during a family hike and becoming too impaired to descend on his own. Mountain rescue teams carried out the operation. Tokyo is recovering.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'The Very Hungry Caterpillar Given Ozempic' — NewsThump, newsthump.com
'USDA Fills Key Advisory Role With Prominent Chewing Skeptic' — The Onion, theonion.com
'TJ Maxx Adds Meat' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Dad Whose Wife And Kids Are Away Arrives At Church Three And A Half Hours Early' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
A black bear entered a shopping mall at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson in Alaska, located a single peach, consumed it, left a deposit on the floor, and exited the building. Officials confirmed no further incident occurred.
#7The Groaner
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
